A Good Life

    I've spent weeks debating in my own head whether to share this story or not, as it contains the most personal content and I knew writing it would be very difficult. I'm not one to blatantly express my feelings but the last seven months have given me a lot to talk about and a lot to be grateful for. It is human nature to fear the unknown so people often avoid talking about matters of illness because they don't understand it: I ask you to read this with an open mind and not to judge anything I say until you truly understand the situation. 

   In January 2015 I began to get ill. For years I'd had short episodes of illness where I haven't had the energy to do anything and at first I assumed that was happening again. A few weeks into the new year and I was still ill and only just managing to get out of the house and do things like go to college and work. It started getting increasingly difficult for me to leave the house without having someone with me and after a while my attendance at college dropped to under 50% and I had to stop working. I lived under constant care where I was still able to leave the house for just over three months until i started getting much more ill and ended up staying in bed every single day. 

   A lot of people made comments saying I was being 'lazy' and needed to 'try harder to get better'. These people never once bothered to actually ask about my illness and assumed the only symptom i felt was tiredness. This was not the case. Over a six month period, on top of having no energy whatsoever, I lost my short-term memory, was sick on a daily basis, lost control of my limbs and found it incredibly hard to breathe. It took far too long to get a diagnosis but when it finally came it was no shock. Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.) affects a lot of people and is a horrible debilitating illness with no cure. (I won't go into much details but if you want more information then I suggest reading The Spoon Theory http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ it will help you to understand my situtation much more.) My exams were coming up and due to the nature of my subjects two of those exams were purely practical and relied on me putting a lot of effort into rehearsing and performing. I managed to go into college just enough to be able to do my practical exams but not nearly to a standard I was happy with. My symptoms made it hard to focus and remember things and there is no way I would have been able to do these practical exams without the incredible support from my peers and teachers. Because of the loss of my short-term memory I could not retain enough information to sit my written exams which was a huge disappointment as I enjoyed my subjects greatly and wanted to do well. Not being able to finish the year at college was a large contributing factor in what happened next.

   After 4 months of being ill I started to get depressed, which is scarily common with people who are ill. I wasn't able to do anything I loved. I couldn't play sport, see my friends, dance, or even leave the house at all. Being ill made me give up my job which I loved immensely, ruined a relationship and made me feel extremely lonely. Despite efforts from both the NHS and private organisations I was not getting any better and was beginning to lose hope in ever feeling well again. The majority of people with M.E, Fibromyalgia or other related illnesses are ill for much longer than me and some never recover. I got lucky. My family and I fell upon some research about Hypothalamitus by Doctor Mickel. This theory and it's treatment gave me my life, and health back. 

   After my first treatment session I played tennis for the first time in six months, I went out with friends and managed to get back to college. My mental health improved instantly and by the end of my treatment I was feeling healthier than I had felt in years. Though I will always have an underlying illness and my memory isn't yet back to how it was before, I know that I can live my life normally, without fear of getting ill again. The worst six months quickly transformed into a new and improved life and I am loving every single day. I am not going to try and forget my time being ill because I learnt so much about myself and improved as a person. It might sound weird after everything I've said but I am grateful for being ill, without it I wouldn't be as happy as I am now and I wouldn't have realised many things about my life that have gone unnoticed for too long. I've been lucky, very lucky and I am so content with my life. I have wonderful friends and I'm no longer living in fear of the future, we all have so much to look forward to and should be living every day like it is our last. It's a cliche because it's so true. I am happier than I have every been before and I certainly wouldn't be that way without everything I've had to overcome in the past year. You never know what might happen and I have learnt to appreciate this a lot so please learn from my story and live every day!

   I leave you with this wonderful Whitman quote, that in my opinion sums up perfectly how to live a happy and healthy life.

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you" - Walt Whitman

Educate the Education

    Before I begin, I feel the need to say I am very aware that cows will sing in tune before education and adolescents live together in harmony. I am a firm believer that we must get rid of all social institutions including education and the whole concept of 'adolescence' before we can even begin to create a happy, functioning society. But more to the point; the education system is shit. Don't get me wrong, this rather bold statement is justified, I'm not one to accuse an institution of being shit with no justification. I should probably justify my statement so I'll start off with a dubiously useful fact: I do not like ice cream.

  At the time of writing, I am behaving very out of character and like a typical 'teenage girl'. Watching Netflix, in a giraffe onesie with a tub of Ben & Jerry's. I repeat: I do not like ice cream. I'm almost certain there are much better things I could be doing with my Thursday evening but I am suffering with a very severe case of 'no-motivation-itis' and really don't have the energy to do anything but mourn over my hopeless life goals and general lack of 'get up and go!' Alas, I did try, I spent the early evening researching universities (despite the fact I have no intention whatsoever of going to university), calculating various UCAS points combinations along with the likelihood of me passing any of my AS exams, let alone A Levels, and teaching myself what I'm sure should have been taught in my Sociology lesson today. But it got to a point where I was getting far too frustrated, by a number of things, to continue. 

   The first was undoubtedly my lack of interest in the given task. Being a Sixth Form Student is exceedingly dull, especially the university application part. Trawling through a supposedly 'easy to use' website attempting to find a course that might enthuse me in the slightest was proving to be an impossible task and one I did not wish to continue. Perhaps I might find it more interesting if the thought of £9000 debt from one year's tuition, alone, wasn't looming over my head. Perhaps not. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm incapable of getting excited about spending three or so years studying a subject that I may or may not devote my life to. Anyway, I soon gave up on this hopeless escapade and decided to try my luck at entry requirements. I can inform you now that from my predicted grades I shall, sadly, not be studying Mathematics at Cambridge university. It hit me quite hard that no matter how much work I put into my A Levels, the main reason for taking them is just for a number of points at the end of it. What relation have points got to anything I've learnt? Why should I bother learning all these definitions and model answers if all I'm going to get at the end is a letter and a few points? Now, for me, three B's at A2 doesn't seem to far out but this leads me to question whether I would want to attend a university that doesn't require me to push myself intellectually to get the grades required. At this point I reminded myself that I shouldn't overthink any of it because my plan is to avoid university AT ALL COSTS and I am merely doing this to please my stereotypical, PhD owning, high achieving, pushy parents who won't accept the fact I want a career in theatre.

   The second reason for my frustration arose due to having to teach myself Sociology. Let's take a minute to remember that all the wonderful tax payers in the UK pay up their hard-earned cash to allow the government to pay teachers. So please, somebody inform me why I currently have no Sociology teacher? Truth be told, I wouldn't be so bothered by this if a) the exact same thing hadn't happened in my final GCSE year b) I wasn't 16 weeks away from starting exams and finally c) if I had the time to teach myself the complete syllabus outside of Sixth Form hours. Back to the matter at hand...why should tax payers be handing over money to the government if they can't even manage to find a teacher to fill every classroom? "There isn't enough competent teachers for every classroom" I hear Nick Clegg say, and Cleggy I shall give you a perfectly reasonable answer to that statement which is: if taking a Masters degree at university wasn't so damn expensive then you might have a few more competent teachers to inspire the next generation of competent teachers!

   I could effortlessly write a year's worth of blog posts on why I hated my school yearshowever it  may get a tad boring for you so I'll try and summarise in a maximum of two paragraphs. Firstly, when I was in year 6 I was informed by a teacher that my life plan (I was 10 years old) would never work and I should get my head out of the clouds. What a way to break a 10 year old's heart. This however, didn't stop me pursuing my life-long dream although it did anger me and was, quite possibly, the original cause of my resent for education. The next factor was, easily, the fact that I was constantly being compared to my genius older brother who had chosen to go to the private boys school. I, on the other hand, foreseeing the fact I would not pass the entry exam, opted for the closest state school. I had no idea that for the next 5 years everything I did or said, remotely related to my school would be instantaneously compared to my brother. 

   

   During the first three years of high school I was set unachievable goals causing me to feel incredibly inadequate when I didn't achieve any of them. I was not challenged once in the areas that I excelled in and all the school seemed to care about was me being able to add up numbers. If ever I tried to voice my opinion I would be 'trying to cause a riot' or 'craving attention'. I think you'll find, I did not 'crave attention', I merely craved for you to give me a bit of extra work every now and then to further my understanding of my favourite subjects! This was of course, too much to ask so i accepted the fact I would be have to be mediocre, nothing special. One last thing I have to say is about my time as Head Girl. I did not apply to be HG because i had a passionate love for the school. No, quite the opposite. I had such a passionate hate for my school that I wanted to do the best I could to change it, make it better for future students like myself. So I put time and effort into coming up with ideas and improvements for the school. Some of which went ahead, none of which I got the credit for. By the end of my run as Head Girl I felt I had accomplished something, not quite the difference I'd intended to make but a few changes all the same. But did I feel appreciated by the school? Not one bit. I gave them a lot, and I got nothing in return other than low standard teaching and cardboard tasting pizza lunches.